Category Archives: Finding Direction

Planning, goal-setting, and making big decisions can be hard, but the Lord is here to guide us through them. Read specific strategies and broader ways of thinking to help through these times of transition and change.

Three Tips for Moms of Tweens and Teens

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This post was provided by guest blogger, Letitia Suk.

If you are reaching for help parenting your teens, Letitia Suk’s new book, “100 Need-to-Know Tips for Moms of Tweens & Teens” is a grab-and-go guide to read along the way. Each short, stand-alone tip provides an immediate opportunity to strengthen your relationship with your teen for both now and for the decades ahead.

Here is a sample of three of the tips you can try right now:

Wave the White Flag.

If you are the parent of a teen, you have engaged in some conflict. In fact, you might have instigated it or inflamed it. It is never too late to wave the white flag and start a round of peace talks in your family. Someone needs to step up and stop yelling, door slamming or silent treatment. Might as well be you!

Calling for peace is not glossing over incidents but acknowledging your part in the current conflict. “I was angry, and I insulted your character, I’m sorry.” “I was tired, and I yelled at you. That wasn’t fair.” Asking for forgiveness is also a huge step but necessary to move on. Conflicts will come and go but the relationship is forever. What your teen sees from you in the way of how to resolve conflict will shape their future interactions as well.

Differentiate Between Rules and Policies.

Try fewer rules, more policies. A policy has flex to it, a rule is fixed. Use policies for the minors of life such as room cleaning, late phone calls, attendance at family events, established study times, etc. A policy can be changed by request, “I need to talk to Sara tonight, but she won’t be home till 10:30. Can I call her later?” You: “OK, thanks for asking.” Exception given, policy still in place.

Rules, however, cover the majors and are not flexible. No point in your teen asking if they can have a party when you’re out of town. Ditto, there won’t be an exception as to whether they can drink and drive or have a sleepover with their boyfriend/girlfriend. Policies can be created on the spot and revised often. Keep the actual rules very few and very clear. Remember, rules without relationship can lead to rebellion.

Enjoy Being a Mom.

To enjoy being a mom, it is important to enjoy your teen. Ask yourself, “What do I enjoy about my teen? What really works in our relationship?” Sure, there are likely stuck places but is important to start with what you are enjoying.

Write those thoughts down, reflect on them, be thankful, and focus on it. If you are having a hard time with this due to current circumstances, think back to what you used to enjoy and see if that is still there underneath a few layers. If you are really stuck, look back at baby pictures. They can renew perspective quickly!

Interested in reading more? 97 more tips are available in “100 Need-to-Know Tips for Moms of Tweens & Teens” (Ellie Claire/Hachette, 2019.) Beautifully designed with inspirational quotes on motherhood interspersed throughout, this book makes an excellent Mother’s Day gift for yourself or a friend.

New Year, New Plans

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As we kick off 2019, many of us are re-evaluating things and looking ahead to the new year. We are making resolutions, thinking about new habits, and seeking God’s direction in our lives.

I have written many posts – even series of posts – that are relevant to the “planning season” of the year, so this week I thought I’d give you a roundup of 5 posts I’ve written in previous years around this time (or on similar topics), so you can revisit the ones that you need most this week:

sunset over the sea

Last year I laid out my “Four Steps to Planning the Year.” This is a great place to start if you don’t already have a process for yourself.

I wrote a series of three posts on Goals – starting with “Taking Aim”. If you need to review and revisit your goals, this would be a great place for you to start.

Over mountain scene, "For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for calamity, to give you a future and a hope. Jef. 29:11

This four-part planning series, beginning with “God’s Plan A,” deals with God’s plans for us, how we can know if we need to re-evaluate, different ways of planning, and praying through planning.

2:5:16 Pray Plan Pray

If praying through your plans is the area you want to focus on, read “Pray Plan Pray” for my framework for praying at the beginning of the year.

3:9:16 Prepping for success

“Prepping for Success” is a post I wrote about how I stay focused on my daily meeting with God. If you are looking to start a new habit this year, and particularly if that habit is staying focused in your daily meetings with God, read this post for my best tips.

The Good Will Christmas Tradition—De-stressing Christmas

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A few years ago, I gave up on gift giving–at least the spend-wads-of-money kind of giving. No matter how hard I tried or how much money I spent, I couldn’t find the “perfect” gift for every family member. So one year, I announced to our family that “Santa” was going to keep filling the stockings, and would give everyone some money, but any other gifts would be coming from a thrift store.

Thus began the Floren Good Will Christmas Tradition.

Having a ball

It has been awesome. All year long I have a ball “finding” gifts at thrift shops and garage sales. At the holidays, I still fill everyone’s stocking but all (well, most) the wrapped gifts by the stockings are from Good Will. The rule is that if anyone doesn’t want their gift (no hurt feelings) they set it in the middle of the coffee table for someone else to claim. Whatever doesn’t get scarfed up goes back to the thrift store.

It’s a win-win. Each person had some presents to open, and I don’t have to feel like I wasted tons of time and money on gifts people didn’t like and would have to take back anyway.

A couple of years ago the kids added their own touch to our Good Will Christmases. After they all fly into town, they go out together (often to Good Will 😊) to find stuff to fill my stocking. Instead of giving presents to each other, they decided they would each give each other $20 and a card, with the understanding that after Christmas we would all go out shopping together.

I don’t know how long this tradition will last, but we have been doing it several years and no one wants to go back! Instead of stressing about gift-giving, we spend a lot more time laughing about mom’s quirky presents and enjoying each other’s company. And singing Happy Birthday to Jesus.

What ideas have you found to de-stress Christmas?

The Juicy Shrimp Shack

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The Juicy Shrimp Shack

By Lydia Floren

There are not many restaurants in our small town (unless you count bars and fast food joints). With so little to choose from, any time a new place opens up we try to check it out. Recently one of my patients told me about a new eating establishment called The Juicy Shrimp Shack, so on my birthday I talked my husband and mother-in-law into trying it out.

The Juicy Shrimp Shack was brand new. It did not have any ratings on Trip Advisor or Zomato. It did, however, have a Facebook page. And a map with a link. So after the three of us piled in the car, I clicked on the link, programmed the GPS and we were on our way. We headed west on I-94 and, after about 15 miles, turned off at the stripper bar exit. (I am sure it has a name, but that’s what everyone around here calls it). The GPS said to turn north, so we turned, and started driving. Pretty soon, we were surrounded by farms and fields. It was beautiful – rolling hills, stately red barns, grazing cattle, and field after lush, green field. Sigh. There’s nothing like Wisconsin in the summertime.

But, it was late. And we were hungry.

I plugged the coordinates into the Google GPS instead of the Apple one. No change. So we kept going, but after a few more miles, I was really starting to get worried. Locating a restaurant in the middle of farmland didn’t seem like a wise business strategy to me. If the Juicy Shrimp Shack is this far out in the country, who would find it? And if no one ate there, would the food be fresh, or old? Would we get sick by eating it?

Finally the GPS said, “Turn right at the next intersection. Your destination is one mile ahead on the left. “

But turning right put us on a skinny dirt road lined with closely packed cornstalks.

I asked Andrew to stop. And to my husband’s credit, he didn’t say a word. I, again, accessed the Juicy Shrimp Shack’s web page from my cell phone (thank God for Verizon), but this time I looked up the actual address written on the page. When I entered that in to the GPS everything on the screen changed.

The GPS lady said “you are way the heck off base. What were you thinking?” Not really. She just droned, “REPROGRAMMING,” and told us to turn around and head back 10 miles to the I-94 exit, where we first got off.

And there it was, right next door to the girly place. (I’m not kidding.)

And it was awesome!!!

Reprogramming your GPS

I do have a point here. Maybe you have something – a career path, financial purchase, relationship, job – programmed into your life’s GPS. And, it seems right. To the best of your knowledge, you made a good decision. But, the further you get down the road in this project, or relationship, or field of study, the more things just don’t seem to be clicking. Something feels off. You are more and more hesitant to keep going forward.

Pay attention to that feeling. And don’t be afraid to take a big step back and reevaluate. Get more information. See what other options are out there. And then pray through the decision again. You may come to the same conclusion, or you may come to a different one.

And, even if you find yourself backtracking a good bit to get on a different road, don’t beat yourself up about it. Just remember: with God, no experience is wasted. God has used and will use every mile you travel to teach you things, and bless others along the way.

Time to regroup?

Is it time to regroup? No worries. Just stop. Thank God for where you are. And, where He is going to lead you next.

And before you get your life back in gear, take a moment to enjoy what’s right in front of you. Beautiful.

The Key Ingredient – Planning Series, Part 4

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The Key Ingredient – Planning Series, Part 4

by Lydia Floren

Last week, we talked about the fact that everyone approaches planning a little differently. Some are Perfectionists, others Minimalists or No-Planners. And most of us are Nomadic planners – we plan differently based on which situation we are in. No matter what kind of planner you are, without prayer, your plans will not be all they could be. The best plans always include one key ingredient: prayer.

Planning without prayer is like making bread without yeast: things just don’t turn out the way you thought they would.

And, when I talk about prayerful planning, I don’t mean forming a strategy and then asking God to put His stamp of approval on it. That is like mixing bread dough, and then sprinkling yeast on the loaves right before you slide them in the oven. In order for prayer to be effective in your planning process, it must be in the mix, right from the start.

Think about it. Doesn’t it make sense to ask the Ultimate Life Coach, the One Person who knows you best and loves you most, what His perspective is? What He thinks your plans should be? Doesn’t it seem logical to give veto power to the only person in the universe that knows the future? That can help you avert disaster by aborting your plans? After all, He is the one who said:

I know the plans that I have for you. Plans for welfare, not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11.

Whether you are Perfectionist, a Nomadic, a Minimalist or a No-Plan Planner, your plan will always go better with prayer. And here is an extra bonus, the cherry on top that will absolutely revolutionize your whole planning process: after you set goals and make plans, keep on praying about those plans. Ann Ortlund, in her book Disciplines of a Beautiful Woman, said that she saw a big difference in how many of her goals and plans were realized, after she started praying about them on a regular basis.

So plan away. However it works for your life and your personality. Just remember to discuss it all with God, and keep on talking to Him. Keep bringing your plans to Him, asking for His insight and direction and wisdom in how to focus on, carry out, and even adjust, your strategy. And then take His advice.

Prayer is the key ingredient to great plans.

In fact, prayer is the best plan of all.

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Plan Is Not a 4-Letter Word. Not Really. (Planning Series, Part 3)

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Plan Is Not a 4-Letter Word. Not Really.

by Lydia Floren

Everyone plans. But not everyone sees themselves as a “planner.” Usually, we think of “planners” as OC perfectionist types. (This is a little like me, at least the former me. I am a perfectionist-in-recovery, in case you forgot.) But whether we realize it or not, we are all planners. We all make plans. We just have different ways of doing it.

For example, there are the Perfectionist Planners. These people (OK, we) often construct elaborate, detailed moment-by-moment plans for their (our) lives. And, often do so for those around us as well. (Sorry, guys.) We have extensive to-do lists and specific timetables. And high expectations. (Again, sorry)

The Minimalist Planners plan for survival. They do what they have to do to keep things going. They are focused on paying the bills, getting the schoolwork done, finishing the project. A Minimalist Planner might have a life plan as simple as this:

Monday thru Friday: Get up. Take a shower. Get dressed. Go to work. Come home. Eat. Go to sleep.

Saturday and Sunday: Catch up from what you didn’t get done Monday through Friday. Maybe go to church. Take a nap.

Finally there are the No-Plan Planners. No-Plan Planners try to live life as it comes. They never set their alarm. Heck, they probably don’t even own an alarm clock. They get up when they wake up, and do whatever strikes their fancy. But what No-Plan Planners don’t realize is that choosing not to plan is, in fact, a plan. Not a very sustainable one (unless someone is paying all your bills), but a plan nevertheless.

Most of us are Nomadic Planners. By that I mean that we shift from one planning approach to another, depending on the situation. For example, in my medical practice, I tend to be a Perfectionist Planner. The rest of the time I am more of a Minimalist. But when I go on vacation, I am a No-Plan Planner.

No judgment here. There is no right or wrong way to plan. Everyone approaches life from a unique perspective, and so we all will have our own unique way of planning. And even though we have our usual way of approaching planning, that might change based on what we are doing, or where we are in our time of life.

But, I will say this: I sure hope if I need a brain surgeon, he or she is an OC Perfectionist Planner, at least in the O.R.!

Everyone makes plans.

Planning is a necessary, integral part of life.

No matter what our approach to planning, just understand: plan is not a 4-sletter word. Not really.

For which one of you, when he wants to build a tower, does not first sit down and calculate the cost to see if he has enough to complete it? Luke 14:28

What kind of planner are you?

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Halftime Adjustments – Planning Series Part 2

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Halftime Adjustments

Planning Series Part 2

by Lydia Floren

My husband Andrew and I are big football fans, and though I am by no means an expert, I have learned a few things about the game over the years. Mostly by osmosis. Sitting on cold metal benches, trying to figure out what exactly a defensive end does. Chatting about strategy and strengths with fellow parents as we sell things for fundraisers or serve up food to sweaty players. Listening to my husband and three sons rehash games at the dinner table. Playing tag football with the kids in the front yard. (Well, until a career ending knee injury sidelined me a few years ago.)

I also learned the game by asking a lot of questions from people who know more than I do. (So far, Aaron Rodgers hasn’t responded to my emails, but it’s OK. I understand. He’s a little busy right now.)

One of my favorite things about watching football, is seeing how things change in the second half. The coaches can spend weeks developing a sound game plan, and drilling it into their team. But usually, as the first half unfolds, things don’t go exactly according to plan. Maybe a key player gets hurt. Or the opposing quarterback is having the best game of his life. For whatever reason, the team’s carefully crafted strategy is not working as anticipated. Coaches know this. Anticipate it, even. And they have a plan in place to change the plan.

It’s called a half-time adjustment.

At the half, all those guys that have been communicating through their headsets (screaming is a form of communication isn’t it?) get together. They talk about what’s working, what’s not, and what could be done differently. And then, they craft an amended plan for the second part of the game. These changes, I learned, are called “halftime adjustments.” Well, I don’t know if “halftime adjustment” is an official moniker in the NFL playbook, but I know that’s what it is called. And everybody does it.

So why am I thinking about football in July, when there are absolutely NO GAMES on TV unless you count grainy reruns of Joe Namath? And yes, I actually know who that is.

Here’s why: July 1 is the halfway point in the calendar year. And so July is the month I make my own halftime adjustments to my year’s game plan. In January I write down some goals and plans for coming year. Mid-year I set aside some time to review the first 6 months – what’s working, what needs to change. And then I pray – I consult with God the Ultimate Life Coach – about what adjustments need to be made for the second half.

Why half-time adjustments are necessary

Why do this? Because life happens. We all know that things rarely go as anticipated. Maybe you lose your job, or move cross country, or find out your child has a learning disability, or a special gift. Or maybe you have an illness that has sapped your strength, or are faced with a big decision that took you by surprise.

Or, maybe you discover that your plans are just not realistic. That happens to me a lot. I tend to overestimate how much time I have, and underestimate how much time or energy something will take. A perfectionist, even a perfectionist-in-recovery like me, can make some pretty elaborate plans that have little chance of success. For example:

eat nothing but vegetables, ever.
exercise 1.5 hrs. per day. Every day.
read all my medical journals before the weekend.
finish writing the last ½ of my book in the next 4 weeks.

It doesn’t take long to fail. And that starts a downward spiral of negative self-talk that can be paralyzing.

So my midyear halftime adjustments are a lifesaver. It forces me to face my limitations and accept that I cannot do as much as I think I can – or do it as quickly as I would like. It helps me to get back on track, and allows me to give myself a break. And it injects a little reality into my overall planning process, so that next week/month/year, I can come up with a more achievable set of goals and strategies. And, I don’t abandon planning altogether.

What do things look like at halftime for you? have you set unrealistic goals for yourself? Or drifted off course from those things you really want to focus on this year? Are there things that need to change? Expectations, and plans, that need to be revised?

Just do it. Take a little time out to reflect and pray. And adjust. I guarantee you will be glad you did.

Want more on planning? See:

God’s Plan A: Planning Series Part One

4 Steps to Planning the Year

Pray Plan Pray

God’s Plan A: Planning Series Part 1

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God’s Plan A

by Lydia Floren

“God has a plan for your life.” For many people, this is a reassuring thought. But not for me. This idea of God having a plan for me has always been a little unsettling. Because I know how many ways I can screw thing up. For example, what if I think I’ve figured out God’s plan for me, but I misunderstand, and unintentionally set out in the wrong direction? Does that mean the train has left the station? That I am now consigned to live the rest of my life on a backup plan? Plan B?

And even if I feel like I’ve “gotten the memo,” and have a good idea of what His plan is, what if I just decide one day – as I’m prone to do – that I’m going to ditch His plan and go my own way? Am I on to plan C, or D, ….or Z?

Thankfully, God gets us. He knows we mess up. Regularly. He understands that we don’t always hear Him clearly. And he knows that we can wander way off base, out of ignorance, or just from pure orneriness. If – no,when – we do, He doesn’t relegate us to life in the loser’s bracket, to live a kind of a cosmic, “consolation prize” existence.

He just keeps on loving us, reaching out to us, calling us back to the one and only plan He has for us. His Plan A.

God’s Plan A

So what exactly is God’s Plan A?

A good life. “For I know the plans that I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans for welfare and not for calamity, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11
A full life. Jesus said, “I have come in order that you might have life – life in all its fullness. “ John 10:10
A life of loving, and being loved. “If we love one another, God abides in us, and His love is perfected in us.” 1 John 4:12

Who wouldn’t want that kind of life?

Have you gotten off track? Have you quit listening for God’s direction, or maybe just decided to go your own way for awhile? Well, quit messing around and get back on track. Claim the good life, the overflowing life, the life of love God has planned for you.

Come back to God’s Plan A.

Discovering Paris – Breathe Series, Part 3

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Discovering Paris

by Lydia Floren

Paris has long been on my bucket list. So, last year in celebration of our 30^th wedding anniversary, Andrew and I finally set aside a week to visit this famous place. We stayed at an Airbnb, a 200+ year old walkup apartment in Marais, right in the heart of the city. From this prime spot, under the guidance of our dear friend Jenn, we proceeded to take in the sites and sounds of Paris. We breakfasted on quiche at the patisserie across the street. We strolled down cobblestone streets, and we sipped spiced wine at sunset on Mont Marche We peeked through a clock-face of the Musee D’Orsay and snacked on crepes from a roadside vendor. We crossed the Seine via the Pont Neuf, and gazed down the Hall of Mirrors in Versailles. And, we smiled (back) at Mona Lisa.

And, of course, we (mostly me) took lots of pictures.

Paris truly exceeded my expectations. But I never expected that it would change me the way it did. After being there a few days I started to see that In Paris, folks didn’t seem to be in a hurry. Despite the December chill, hundreds of people would sit for hours in outside cafes chatting while they sipped coffee or a glass of wine. No one gave more than a passing glance to their cellphones. I don’t remember seeing a TV. Anywhere. As I watched the way Parisians lived, I began to see how isolated my life had become, how isolating our culture tends to be. And rushed.

Parisians by their example, reminded me to live my life more relaxed, more connected and less distracted.

The real world

But Paris is not the real world, at least not my world. In that world I have responsibilities: houses to clean, jobs to do, children to tend. It didn’t take me long to plunge again into that Life. But often in the ordinary days I would find myself drifting back back to our time in Paris, and I would feel my heart smile. I would remember again that finding joy in life is not about what I do as much as how I do it.

And I would remind myself that

There is time, if I will take it, to linger over dinner, share a laugh, snap a picture.

There is resolve, if I will use it, to turn off my cellphone and clear my over-busy schedule.

There is opportunity, if I will grab it, to savor the moment, to soak in the beauty, and—most of all—to enjoy the relationships I have been given along the way.

Paris….it’s been awhile. My heart still smiles.

For more, read Breathe Series Part 1, and Breathe Series Part 2

Breathing In God’s Presence

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Breathing In God’s Presence: Breathe Series, Part 2

by Lydia Floren

I eat fast. Too fast. I’ve mentioned this before 😊. When I eat quickly, I do so for one reason: so that I will no longer feel hungry. I get that. But in order to “experience” a meal (as I think most foodies must do) I’ve learned it is important to slow down. When I do, I can appreciate the tastes that cross my palate, the combination of flavors and textures. And eating slowly gives me the opportunity to enjoy my dinner companions. I have found that when I “dine” like this, the whole experience – delicious and delightful – becomes imprinted in my memory. So, whenever I think about it, it brings a smile to my face.

That is what meditating on God’s word is.

Meditating?

I know, I know. I’m just like you. When I think of meditation, I envision eyes closed, legs crossed, elbows on knees, fingers touching, humming to new-age music. But Christian meditation is far different. It is not emptying the mind but filling it with the truth – and the Presence – of the One God.

When we focus on one or two verses, or even one or two words from the Bible we are able savor the truth offered to us. For example, a few years ago my friend Debra was going through a very difficult time. She told me later that these nine words were her lifeline: “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.”

Here are links to some other examples of meditation:

Meditation

Polishing

Christian meditation involves spending some time in solitude and silence, thinking about just a few verses, or part of one verse. When we do this, we experience God’s presence and taste His fruit. And that experience lingers in our memory. Every time it comes to mind, it lifts our hearts and makes us smile.

So take time every day to partake of the rich meal God has set before you. Take a bite, and then another. Relish the food and the conversation. Enjoy the company of The Most Amazing Person in the Universe, the one who knows you best and loves you most.

“My cup overflows.” Psalm 23