Tag Archives: Perfectionism

Putting Things in Perspective – Banishing Anxiety Part 5

Putting Things in Perspective

Banishing Anxiety Part 5

by Lydia Floren

This series on anxiety has been fun. And, honestly, I could probably write on this topic for a whole year. Not because of my tremendous knowledge about anxiety, but because of my vast experience with it! Here’s an example: For the last four years or so, I’ve been writing a book on learning to live a God-guided life. Four years is a long time, and I am ready to be done with it. But, I’ve realized that one of my biggest obstacles in finishing my book, is me–more specifically, my fear.

My fears about writing

What am I afraid of? Well, I’m afraid of lots of things. Believe it or not, I am afraid of finishing the book. My perfectionist self plagues me with the “what if’s.” What if I finish it, and no one wants to publish it? What if it is published, but no one wants to read it? And what if they read it, but they find it boring or irrelevant? Or lacking in important ways?

Oddly enough, I’m also afraid of not finishing the book. What if I take so long to write this, that I die before I finish it? (Plenty of people younger than me headline the obituaries every day.) What if someone needed to read it, but never had the opportunity, because my fears and perfectionism and busyness got in the way of completing my book?

Frozen

Sigh. If I am afraid of finishing the book, and also afraid of not finishing it, I am well and truly stuck. Frozen in the twilight zone of fear that we perfectionists (even those in recovery like me), often find ourselves.

Getting unstuck

What gets me unstuck? Reminding myself to put things in perspective. This little tome I am working on is not the only book I am writing – and certainly not My Most Important Book. The Most Important Book I am writing is my life. Each day in my life-book is a page. And every word on the page is powerful. Every kindness. Every smile. Every encouragement. Every hug. Every choice to forgive. Every moment of listening. Every confidence kept. Every murmur of thanksgiving.

All these words, these pages, make more of a difference than any volume we might publish – or anything we “accomplish” for that matter. Our Most Important Boo – our life-book – is already touching people in ways we don’t even realize. And it won’t be until after the book is finished and we go to heaven, that we will get to see just how much it has mattered to the people we love, as well as to those we randomly encounter.

Relax

When I put things in perspective – when I remind myself of what is most important – I can relax about my smaller project. I quit getting my panties in a wad about the little imperfections. I just do my best, and trust that God will use it however He wants to. And I know that, even if it never sees the light of day, the process of writing it has already blessed me tremendously.

Every day, I’m churning out the words of my Most Important Book. The plot is complicated. The main character manages to get in lots of messes. But she never loses hope, because the Hero is there every step of the way. And though I don’t yet know the details, I can tell you it’s going to have a great ending.

Are you feeling anxious?

Are you feeling anxious? Step back and get a little perspective. Remind yourself that your Most Important Book, your Masterpiece, is coming along nicely. And, it is already having an impact. Sure, the syntax isn’t perfect, and yeah, there are a few misspelled words. But the plot is captivating, and the ending is going to be awesome.

PSSST. FYI, From what I understand, there’s a sequel in the works, and it’s going to be an even better story.

Plan Is Not a 4-Letter Word. Not Really. (Planning Series, Part 3)

Plan Is Not a 4-Letter Word. Not Really.

by Lydia Floren

Everyone plans. But not everyone sees themselves as a “planner.” Usually, we think of “planners” as OC perfectionist types. (This is a little like me, at least the former me. I am a perfectionist-in-recovery, in case you forgot.) But whether we realize it or not, we are all planners. We all make plans. We just have different ways of doing it.

For example, there are the Perfectionist Planners. These people (OK, we) often construct elaborate, detailed moment-by-moment plans for their (our) lives. And, often do so for those around us as well. (Sorry, guys.) We have extensive to-do lists and specific timetables. And high expectations. (Again, sorry)

The Minimalist Planners plan for survival. They do what they have to do to keep things going. They are focused on paying the bills, getting the schoolwork done, finishing the project. A Minimalist Planner might have a life plan as simple as this:

Monday thru Friday: Get up. Take a shower. Get dressed. Go to work. Come home. Eat. Go to sleep.

Saturday and Sunday: Catch up from what you didn’t get done Monday through Friday. Maybe go to church. Take a nap.

Finally there are the No-Plan Planners. No-Plan Planners try to live life as it comes. They never set their alarm. Heck, they probably don’t even own an alarm clock. They get up when they wake up, and do whatever strikes their fancy. But what No-Plan Planners don’t realize is that choosing not to plan is, in fact, a plan. Not a very sustainable one (unless someone is paying all your bills), but a plan nevertheless.

Most of us are Nomadic Planners. By that I mean that we shift from one planning approach to another, depending on the situation. For example, in my medical practice, I tend to be a Perfectionist Planner. The rest of the time I am more of a Minimalist. But when I go on vacation, I am a No-Plan Planner.

No judgment here. There is no right or wrong way to plan. Everyone approaches life from a unique perspective, and so we all will have our own unique way of planning. And even though we have our usual way of approaching planning, that might change based on what we are doing, or where we are in our time of life.

But, I will say this: I sure hope if I need a brain surgeon, he or she is an OC Perfectionist Planner, at least in the O.R.!

Everyone makes plans.

Planning is a necessary, integral part of life.

No matter what our approach to planning, just understand: plan is not a 4-sletter word. Not really.

For which one of you, when he wants to build a tower, does not first sit down and calculate the cost to see if he has enough to complete it? Luke 14:28

What kind of planner are you?

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Mirrors and Wisdom by Lydia Floren

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For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I shall know fully just as I also have been fully known. 1 Cor 13:12

Two thousand years ago, a mirror was a highly polished piece of metal, maybe bronze or silver. Because it was hand-hammered and buffed, a person’s reflection in it would be imperfect – there would be distortions, and probably some dark spots. (Not that most of us really want total accuracy, when we look at a mirror, but that’s beside the point.) In those days, if you wanted a more accurate idea of what you actually looked like, you would need to step into the brightest light you could find and view your reflection from several different angles.

When Paul said “now we see through a mirror dimly” he was comparing our limited understanding of life/the world/our situation with the distorted reflection that one saw when looking at piece of polished metal.

Here’s the Amplified version of 1 Corinthians 13:12:

For now we are looking in a mirror that gives only a dim (blurred) reflection of reality as in a riddle or enigma, but then [when perfection comes] we shall see in reality and face to face! Now I know in part (imperfectly); but then I shall know and understand fully and clearly, even in the same manner as I have been fully and clearly known and understood [by God].

None of us have a clear picture of what is going on in the world – or even in our own lives. Our reflection is incomplete. There are blank spots and distortions. In order to get the best possible understanding, we need to inspect our situations from a variety of viewpoints, and in the brightest light we can find – the light of God’s truth.

Even in the best of circumstances, our vision is limited.

But the great news is, God’s is not. He sees everything and, even better, He understands what it all means. He knows how it all connects. From His perspective, He can guide us along the wisest path forward. All we have to do is ask.

If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. James 1:5 NIV

The S Word

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by Lydia Floren

One of our favorite family phrases comes from the movie Aladdin. The little parrot, Iago, gets all upset and starts venting to his boss, the evil Jafar. Jafar’s response is simply this: “Paaaaatience, Iago. Paaaatience.”

What gets us so riled up, that we lose our patience with ourselves or others? For me, it is the S word. No, not the four-letter S word….the six-letter one: “should.” When “should” creeps into my thoughts and makes its way into my conversations, patience goes out the window. Joy is replaced by restless discontent. I start focusing on what is wrong instead of what is right.

“They should be doing this. I should be doing that.”

“They should fill all of these potholes.” “I should get more respect.” “The computer system should always work perfectly.” “I should be able to manage my time better, or be a better person.”

Should is a toxic word. It poisons our peace and eats away at our patience. Shoulds stress us out and put stress on those around us.

Cure for the S word

The cool thing is, there is a cure for the S word–the “should” infection. It’s the T word: thanksgiving. The practice of giving thanks in all things stamps the shoulds right out of our life. Gratitude banishes discontent, restores our joy, and replenishes our patience.

“Thank you Father, that we have paved streets, and that these potholes will eventually be filled.” “Thank you that You respect and value me, and are teaching me to respect and value myself.” “Thank you that the computer system works 99% of the time, and there is a great team of people working on keeping it that way.”

It doesn’t come easy.

Replacing the “S” word with the “T” word takes some practice. It doesn’t come easy. In fact it can feel quite awkward and contrived, especially at first. But, it is incredibly powerful at restoring our perspective and our joy.

“Thank You that every single one of us is imperfect and in process, and You love us right where we are.” “Thank You that we are each fearfully and wonderfully made.” “Thank You that I don’t need to do anything to earn your love, and there is nothing I can do that will change it.” “Thank you that You are always present and at work, and working things to good.”

“Thank you that there is always, always, always something to be thankful for.”

When we cultivate a grateful heart we quit “shoulding” all over ourselves and those around us. Our words and actions are motivated by love instead of driven by discontent.

How has the “S” word invaded your life? What happens when you replace it with the “T” word?

Stepping Back

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Stepping Back by Lydia Floren

There always seems to be a lot going on in my life. Yours too, probably. Until recently I was working on a book project (Beloved Adventure), blogging, practicing medicine, helping to lead a small group, and preparing for a major house renovation. But a few months ago, I felt God leading me to put a few of these projects on hold and take some time for deep healing from some things in my past.

This is not on my five-year plan. Anywhere.

Yes, I have a past. We all do. I’ve dealt with it, prayed over it, experienced healing from it. I really don’t want to go there again. Ever. “Besides,” I grumbled to God, “I’m too old for this.”

But God kept tapping me on my shoulder saying “You need to go here. It is important. It is your next step forward, for growth and healing. There are things that linger there, that now you have the strength and understanding to deal with. Things that still affect you, that cause you to be anxious, to over react in certain situations, to distrust. I want to perform a deeper healing, to give you a new perspective, to bless you with increased joy and freedom.”

It took a few such “conversations,” before I acquiesced. I reluctantly set aside (for the third time) the kitchen/bathroom project, the work on Beloved Adventure and a few other things. And I began cautiously following My Loving Father in a different direction.

It takes a lot more courage and energy for me to step back than it does to step forward. It’s scary. There is rejection and hurt and mistakes and regret back there. It is a place I only dare go with my Loving Father at my side. And He has stayed close, protecting, providing, encouraging. He led me to counselor that I trust, and a couple of friends I can decompress with. He has given me a husband who understands and friends who are praying.

So far, It’s been messy and revealing. And yes, freeing and healing. But it has not been easy.

We can always know that God’s way will be one of healing and growth, freedom and joy. But what’s hard to grasp is that, on occasion, His way may also take us in an unexpected direction, a retrospective—even painful—one. But He knows that difficult past experiences can seep through and stain our current perspective, despite many coats of paint-years layered on top. So, there are times God may (and probably will) ask us to dig deep. Unearth unpleasant memories. Allow Him to reprocess them in the light of His love.

Are you willing, no matter what your age or stage in life, for God to lead you to take a step back? To set aside some projects, so that you have the time and energy to follow Him there? Are you ready to trust Him to create a new frame of reference, one untainted by past hurts? Even if the healing process will be painful at times?

If/when you are, I think you will find that stepping back can be remarkably freeing. As God heals damaged emotions from the past, He enables us to claim more fully His loving embrace in the present.

You might find, as I have, that sometimes the best way–maybe even the only way—to move forward is by stepping back.

“Those who wait for the lord will gain new strength…” Isaiah 40:31

“Search me, O God, and know my heart; try me and know my anxious thoughts; and see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way.” Psalm 139:23-34

Right Now

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Right Now

by Lydia Floren

For some time, I have been focusing on learning to receive the love of God. I am convinced that in order to obey what Jesus said was the most important commandment—to love God, and love my neighbor as myself—I must first receive God’s love for me. In fact, I believe it is impossible to obey this command without first being filled up and living as one who is beloved. The question is how. How do I live in the love of God? How do I learn to embrace God’s love for me personally? How do I accept this love every day, and fill up with it? Answers to these questions have been coming to me in pieces rather than all together. Today I have been given another piece:

Have you ever been in a “mood”? A state of mind where nothing is good or right or positive about the world, the people you encounter, God, and especially yourself? I was in such a state this morning, and after lingering there for a while, this thought came to mind:

“I love you right now.”

“Now, God? Now is not a good time to be loving me. I am crabby, having a pity party, mad at the world, frustrated with myself. This is not a good time to be loving me. ”

“Now. Now is the best time to love you.”

He is right, of course, much as I don’t want to acknowledge it. There is no better time for Him to love me and for me to accept His love than right now, because it is as I am. And because now, when I know myself to be a crabby, sorry individual is when I need His love the most. Now is when His love really does the most good, has the most transforming power. But now is also the hardest time to receive His love. I am ugly and I know it. My heart is spewing forth negativity, anger, condemnation, self-righteousness, pride, selfishness, self-loathing.

And yet He calls to me:

“Come on child, climb out of the pit of your pity party—your hopelessness. Receive my transforming love. Let go of your shoulds and oughts for yourself and those around you, and just be loved. I’ve got this. And I’ve got you. You are safe, and you are free. Simply follow me in the next step, and watch me work! “

Now.

I am not hopeless. And I am not helpless. He knows me and loves me just like I am. And He wants me to live in that love.

Now.

I do have a choice. Do I accept His knowing and loving and forgiving? Do I accept His grace? His embrace? When I do, I am letting go of the lie that I can live in joy without Him. Or that I would want to. I choose to believe He is safe. His love is there always, even (and especially) when I am at my worst.

Even now.

He loved me first.

He loves me now.

We love, because He first loved us. (1 John 4:19 NAS)

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. (Romans 8:1 NAS)

Love never fails. (1 Corinthians 13:8a NAS)

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. (Lamentations 3:22-23 ESV)

Waking Up With a Smile

Focus

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by Lydia Floren

“O soul, are you weary and troubled? No light in the darkness you see?”

These are the first lines of a great old hymn. Even though Helen Lemmel wrote these questions decades ago, they are relevant today, aren’t they? Here’s what she says next:

“There’s a light for a look at the Savior, And life more abundant and free!

“Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face, and the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace.”

We all feel overwhelmed at times. Lemmel simply reminds us, when we get discouraged, to take some time to focus on something—Someone—else. As we shift our attention to Jesus, our troubles don’t disappear. They just settle into a different perspective.

Turn your eyes away from your troubles, and look at Jesus.

Listen, as He says:

I love you in the mess of your life, and day by day I’m redeeming it and setting it right. It is beautiful now, and it is becoming more beautiful. You don’t have to fix anything. You just have to rest, and follow and let me work.

Live in the present, aware of God’s loving presence. The past is redeemed. The future is secure. The present is really all you have at any given time.

“Perfect love drives out fear.” 1 John 4:18

Don’t Rush. Just Rest.

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by Lydia Floren

You know, Jesus had a pretty big “to do” list to accomplish in his 33 years of life:

Grow up (and never do anything wrong).
Take 12 random guys (some of whom can’t read or write), and, in 3 years, shape them into world leaders.
Be tortured and killed, in spite of what you want to do, and defeat the greatest enemy the world has ever known.

Yeah, Jesus had a lot on his plate. But think about it. Can you imagine Jesus rushing around – interrupting folks and cutting people off in traffic so he could get His “important stuff” done? Of course not.

Jesus was never in a hurry.

He said, “Come to me, all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest.”

When we come to Him, in the middle of our busyness, he gives us rest. We find “rest for our souls.” And we can go about our day, packed as it may be, settled and at peace in that “zone of rest,” knowing He is with us and within us, guiding and leading us to do what is most important.

There is plenty of time to do each day what God would have us do without rushing.

Don’t rush. Just rest.

Hanging Out

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Hanging Out

by Daniel Floren

Dad took me to Chicago for Spring Break. It was an incredible trip full of hilarious improv, great food, and cool culture spots.

One day, I really wanted to go to a particular pizza place and check it out. I took it upon myself to figure out all of the transportation details, feeling quite accomplished as the ’son’ directing/leading ‘dad’. We got to the address, and saw nothing but high rise buildings. It was the Corporate Headquarters for this pizza spot – no where close to the actual restaurant. I was soooo mad. I spent the next hour trying to walk off my frustration. “I totally screwed it up,” I thought to myself.

The next day, after the Shed Aquarium, we had about a 4-5 hour gap with nothing to do. I turned to Dad as we looked out at Lake Michigan, and I asked him with some urgency, “Dad, what do you want to do? I don’t know what comes next, I’m out of plans, I didn’t plan well enough. I’m sorry, but we have some free time. How can we redeem it to make the trip worth the money? What do you want to do?” He looked at me and just kind of half-smiled in amazement, shaking his head. He took a second. “Daniel. This. This is all I want. Just spending time with you.”

In that moment, a number of curious things clicked into place. I looked at Dad’s shirt. It was the TKA Elementary School shirt from when he was my soccer coach. Yesterday he wore my high school football shirt, and the day before that a TCU polo. The point was always to spend time with his son. All of the gifts and adventures of Chicago were just a nice backdrop for hang-out time.

I have always come to God asking, “What do you want to do?” With my life, my marriage, my job, my friends, my day, the groceries, this very second…

Strangely enough, I think the answer has always been, “We’re doing it!” Christ wants to hang out and commune with me and love me! By the very nature of turning to God and asking, “What do you want to do?” we’re there! We are now talking and hanging out! Before I take another step toward anything, I’ve got to first realize that that is the most beautiful thing. We’re just there already. His Grace met us there and his love keeps us there. All of our purposes and plans must be in context of just hanging out with the Lord. Then, without any pressure, we can go grab pizza.