Category Archives: Finding Yourself

Your identity comes from the Lord. Your value comes from the Lord. The thoughts in these posts can help you find yourself where you belong – in the Lord.

God’s Gift to the World

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“Oh, she thinks she’s God’s gift to the world.”

Have you ever heard someone say that? Or said it yourself? I know I have. When I have made that snarky comment, I really mean, “She is soooo conceited. She is totally self-focused. She only cares about what matters to her. She never thinks about anyone but herself.”

HMMM. “Self-focused”? “Always thinking about herself”? Sounds a lot like me sometimes, especially when I am having a pity party. (BTW, my pity party may have many invitees, but only one person will show up: me!)

God’s gift to the world.
In my prayers this morning, I learned to see that phrase, “God’s gift to the world,” in a whole different light. I was sharing my discouragement and discontent with God, (OK complaining ☺ He is such a patient listener!) and then I felt Him telling me:

“You are my blessing to the world. To the people you touch, the lives you reach. You alone can touch and reach people in your own unique way.”

Huh.

You know, when you look at it like that, every person is God’s gift to the world. We are each unique creations. No one can love someone else exactly like we can. And no one else will have the encounters we have this day. Because we will never pass this way again.

Each person is unique, and each moment is unique.

Each encounter is an opportunity to love someone in our own unique way.

You, my dear friend, are God’s gift to the world. So today, have a blast blessing those around you in your own unique way!

Enjoy who you are. Love the person in front of you. Live in the abundance of God’s love.

I will give thanks to you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:14

Overcoming Fear

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by Lydia Floren

I have discovered that I can carry a lot of fear around with me. I have a fear of failure, fear of being rejected or disrespected. I am afraid of loneliness. Sometimes I am afraid that I don’t have what it takes to make and keep heartwarming, life renewing relationships. I am afraid that I am “not enough” (whatever that means), and I am afraid that I can’t fake it well enough to keep others from finding out. My fears can alter my reality, and change the way I respond to people and situations. Here’s how:

I beg
And I can act on my fears, by trying to be good enough. I try to

please people
grab attention
compete
do the best I can to be lovable

I beg for the love and acceptance I need so desperately. I am like a little kid whining for a treat.
But the few crumbs I get from others don’t satisfy my gnawing hunger.

I steal.
When my fears overwhelm me I start believing the worst: no one could ever really love me. And desperation sets in. My response?

Escape: I immerse myself in a project, or eat lots of chocolate, or withdraw into a book.
Retaliate. I get-angry-and-get-even by manipulating, or just snapping someone’s head off.
Complain. I steal other people’s joy by criticizing or complaining.

I steal peace and joy where I think I can find it.
But the glitter is not gold.

I hide.
When I am afraid, I tend to focus on myself: I try to

Protect myself so I can’t be rejected or hurt in the future.
Insulate myself with popularity or position or competence.
I keep others at arm’s length so they cannot know my weaknesses and hurt me with that knowledge.

But my hiding place is not safe, or secret.

There is a better way.

Overcoming Fear
There is a better way to be validated, and free from fear. It requires that I do something counterintuitive. I have to choose to quit looking at myself, and instead choose to look up.

When I take my eyes off my situation and start focusing on God, it changes everything. God is the most scary-smart [He makes MENSA look like preschool], wealthy, important, powerful person in the universe. And He loves ME. He cherishes ME. He considered me highly valuable, worth paying the price of His son’s life. He has adopted ME into His royal family. His secret service protects me 24-7.

There is nothing to fear.

My identity, value, belonging, and calling are secure. Nothing and no one can change these – not even me. Nothing anyone else does or says can alter this inner person that I am in any way. I am a precious, unique individual. I am loved. I belong in God’s family. I have a calling: to encourage and love others in my own unique way.

When I am not afraid, the world looks totally different, and I respond differently.

I quit begging for others to validate me with their attention, respect, admiration. I come out of hiding, because I am 100% safe. I stop trying to grab a cheap imitation for joy wherever I can find it, because I have already received the real joy of being completely known and loved.

I start serving. I just want to help others to see their unique precious identity, value, belonging and calling. I want them to know the safety of living life under the protection of the God of the Universe, who loves them much more than I ever could. I am aware of God with me, and want nothing more than for Him to lead me, and empower me to love those that cross my path.

Once I am deeply and completely satisfied in the waters of God’s love, I can really live. My cup overflows.

Let the joy begin!

Surely goodness and loving kindness shall follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. Psalm 23:6

Newlyweds

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by Lydia Floren

Have you ever spent time around a pair of newlyweds? Over the Christmas break, all we Florens had the privilege of hanging out with the freshly-minted Mr. and Mrs. Andrew and Monique Graaff. Andrew (or Aundrew as we like to call him) and Monique were married December 17, at their home in Johannesburg, South Africa. After spending a week honeymooning in Durban, they buzzed back home for Christmas day, and then, the next day, got on a plane to come visit with us. They had been husband and wife for a total of 8 days!

All the kids were home for the holidays, and, by the time they pulled up to our house, we were in full Floren mode. (I know, this makes some of you cringe.) Movies, football, games, teasing. Intense discussions. Friends stopping by. Lots of laughter. And of course, food – massive amounts of food.

I am sure that Monique was overwhelmed by all of our Floren-ness. Andrew, on the other hand, acted like he never left, at least when he was interacting with us.

But Andrew was definitely different. Settled. Smiling. Tender. Happy. I’ve never seen him so happy!

It was easy to see why. Monique is special. She is gentle and strong, and sensitive and friendly, smart and talented. And she is beautiful (stunning, in fact). But her beauty is so much more than her physical features. Monique is one of those rare individuals who has learned to receive God’s unconditional love, and she shines with that love (as well as the love of her adoring husband☺).

Newlyweds are in their own little world. Not rude, by any means. Just set apart. Andrew and Monique called each other “My Darling.” They exchanged tender glances. Andrew brought Monique coffee in bed. Monique served Andrew lunch. They snuggled and cuddled, and laughed and whispered. And they smiled. A lot.

Sometimes their eyes just followed each other, as they moved around the room.

You know, God’s gaze follows each of us, as we move about our lives. And He looks at us with a tenderness that can take our breath away. He wants us to live in the circle of His arms, knowing we are completely loved and cared for. Completely forgiven. Completely flawless in His eyes. We are delightful. Beautiful. Magnificent.

The more we bask in the love God offers us, the more beautiful we become. We are settled. We smile a lot. We shine, and scatter our joy like rose petals at a wedding, blessing everyone who crosses our path.

Want more? Read the recent post “Someone”

Giving Thanks At Thanksgiving

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Every good and perfect gift is from above. James 1:17
I just got back from an amazing trip literally to the other side of the world. I was invited to come and speak at a women’s conference, the first one specifically for women that the hosts had ever organized. I was humbled, and frankly a bit afraid; I was speaking 7 times in 2 days, and to folks from a completely different culture. I prayed. And prepared. And prayed. And others prayed with me. And God showed up. Every day. And in ways I didn’t anticipate.

Over the next few weeks, I am going to share a bit more of what I saw and learned, but today I thought it would be appropriate just to write on one topic from the conference: “Be Thankful.” I know, I know. To those of you that follow my blog, you know how much I have written about giving thanks. Nothing new there. But the reason I keep circling back to thanks-giving is because this habit has had such an impact in my life. The more I focus on giving thanks to God, the more I find my life transformed. And so, there is often something new I am learning about thanks-giving.

Here’s what I mean. On Thanksgiving Day, of course we Americans are reminded to give thanks. Amid feasting and family and football, we often stop and think—and even verbalize—some things we are thankful for. In our family, this happens during The Big Meal. (Might I add, the only meal I truly cook the whole weekend!). Sometime between turkey and pumpkin pie, we all lean back in our chairs and take turns mentioning things in the past year we are particularly grateful for.

It’s a good thing to do.
But it is easy to emphasize blessings, more than The Giver of those blessings. When it is my turn at the table, I will say what I am thankful for. But, I can often forget to mention Who I am thankful to. I often neglect to actually say the words, “Thank you God.” Like the eleven lepers, I am thrilled with the gifts, but I’m not expressing gratitude to The Giver.

Thanks-giving has a point. A person on the other end. A person that we are thanking.

To truly give thanks, there must be a recipient: someone we giving thanks TO.

So, this year as you rejoice in your blessings, remember WHO you are thankful TO: the Giver of every good and perfect gift. And then take a little time to actually say the words to Him.

Say, “Thank You God.”

It’s a good thing to do.

This season, what are you especially thankful to God for?

Do I Do That?

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by Lydia Floren

Don’t people just annoy you sometimes? For example, maybe

You’re in a hurry, and someone’s blocking traffic. Really? There is a slow lane for a reason, buddy.

All your friends are talking about a great party last week, and you weren’t invited. What’s that about?

Someone talks too loud at the next table of the restaurant, or crowds you in the airplane seat, or gets ahead of you in line. Tone it down already. Keep to yourself. Wait your turn.

Annoyances can quickly change a decent day into a crappy day.

A remedy:
My sister, Rebekah, taught me a great tip to counter this tendency to let people get to me. When she starts to get annoyed with someone, she’s learned to stop and ask herself this simple question:

Do I do that?

I’ve been trying it. When I sense my irritation rising, and I remember to ask myself, “Do I do that?”, my mind shifts gears. That simple question prompts me to look at things from a different perspective, and to think about someone else – not just myself. And, of course, It doesn’t take long for my answer to slam me in the gut:

Do I do that? Yes, yes I do:

Yes, there are times when I block traffic.
Yes, I do hurt people’s feelings (albeit unknowingly).
Yes, I can be rude. Or just plain selfish.

But wait wait wait. This is ME. I don’t mean to be vexing. YOU understand, don’t you? Don’t you?

Aah. I get it. If I am not trying to annoy YOU, maybe – just maybe – YOU aren’t trying to annoy ME either. And you know, maybe – just maybe – I am on edge for an entirely different reason.

Asking “Do I do that?” prompts me to give grace to others, and grace to myself.

Try it. The next time you find yourself getting annoyed with someone ask

Do I do that?

Let me know how it goes! I’d love to hear from you!

God is Good Company ( God’s Company Part 1)

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by Lydia Floren

One of the greatest things God has given me is the gift of His company.

Now, don’t get me wrong. When I say “company”, I don’t mean God’s business, World Incorporated, LLC. OK, yes, I might –might– have some control issues, but even I am not foolish enough to think that God would put me in charge of His whole international operation.

When I say “the gift of God’s company”, I’m talking about His presence. God, because of Christ’s sacrifice, gives everyone personal access to Him: the privilege of spending time in His company. And, His spirit actually lives within every person that chooses to become His child.

God’s spirit is actually with me, but also within me. Amazing.

God loves each of us without any conditions at all. Nothing will ever change that reality.

When I spend time with God, I feel like I am in the presence of a dear friend, or a loving parent. He knows my good parts and my ugly ones, and loves me right where I am. I don’t have to prove anything to Him, or to anyone. I am 100% safe.

When I am around someone who loves me and enjoys my company, I relax. I don’t feel the need to prove myself, or to protect myself from their judgment. I can be silly. Creative. Quiet. Contemplative. I tend to laugh more. And to worry less. It lifts my spirits, and it encourages me.

In God’s company, I can be utterly and completely myself.

NOMB Part I: Letting God Be The Fixer

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by Lydia Floren

NOMB (None Of My Business) Part I: Letting God Be The Fixer

Fixing Things

I am a fixer by nature and nurture. By nature, according to the Myers-Briggs personality test I am an Extroverted-Intuiter-Feeler-Perceiver, and ENFP’s like me enjoy solving problems. You could say that my tendency to want to fix things is hardwired in my DNA. By nurture, I grew up the middle child. As such, I was the de facto ambassador in parental negotiations and the swing vote in sibling disputes. My fix-it-ness was reinforced in medical school, where I learned to analyze and diagnose and advise and treat all sorts of ailments. You could say I had a “license to fix.”

But nothing has fine-tuned my fixing skills more than motherhood. As every parent knows, moms are required to fix all kinds of stuff like scrapes, scuffles, bad manners, and hurt feelings. Oh yeah, and spilled milk, throw-up, and crises in the carpool. And—lest we forget–moms are more often than not responsible for fixing dinner.

No wonder it is hard for me to turn off that fixing nature. (And why would I want to? I’m so good at it! But I must—MUST– resist the urge. Fixing other people’s lives is waaaaay out of my job description. It is one thing to help someone solve a problem when asked (such as in my role as physician), or when someone depends on you (as in mothering a small child). But most of the time people don’t need—or want–me to diagnose what is wrong with them and try to correct it. That is almost always the worst thing a person can do. Ask any teenager.

Folks, including teenagers, just want to be loved and accepted. They want to be enjoyed for who they are. They want someone to believe in them and pray for them. People want someone to listen while they talk out their dilemmas so they can come up with their own solutions.

SIGH.

OK, so how does one curb this fixing habit? Here’s a great start: Remind yourself every day that YOU ARE NOT GOD.

Note to self: I am not God.

I am not God. I know this shocks those of you who know me, but I just wanted to get it out there so you could get used to the idea.

Here are a few additional reminders that are helping me curb my fixing habit:

I don’t know the big picture. I do not have enough information to even judge what another person’s problems are, much less to solve them. I might see glimpses, but they are just that—flashes of insight. It takes much more information than this to make an accurate diagnosis and recommend a remedy. As we in medicine like to say, “A little bit of knowledge is a dangerous thing.”
I don’t have the skills. Another axiom in the practice of medicine is, “Know your limits.” Not only do I lack adequate information, I also lack the ability to “fix” someone else.
It is not my job. As much as I might act like it sometimes, God has not asked me to fix anyone. I don’t think He ever would, and it would be beyond me if He did.
My “fixing” might hurt more than it helps.

What about you? Do you ever have the inclination to try to FIX THINGS? If so, then repeat after me:

“I am not God. I am not God. I am not God.”

Oh, gracious! There I go again. Now I’m trying to fix YOU! Ugh!

Recent Series: Learning to Fish, Our Problems Are Not The Problem, Four Practical Steps

It’s Not Just About You

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by Lydia Floren

A while back I wrote a blog It’s not about you or is it? Before we can turn our attention to loving others, we must first accept who we are, recognize our needs, and choose to allow God to meet our needs.

Two key parts of this process are:

Identifying faulty coping mechanisms or ways we have tried to meet these needs in the past.
Replacing these coping mechanisms with constructive habits that will make way for God to move in our lives and meet our needs.

Reminder: We all have needs.

Everyone has a need for food, shelter, but we also have needs that are in some ways deeper, needs for love and affection, a sense of identity and value, and belonging.

Coping mechanisms

And we all have developed habits—or ways of coping—in order to meet those needs. With some of these habits, we rely on ourselves. With others, we expect other people to meet our needs. Here are a few examples of coping mechanisms:

Grabbing what you can when you can: attention, love, stuff. Focusing on what you want, and not what god says you need. Calling wants needs.
Controlling things around you so that you can be comfortable and secure: our environment, relationships, and living by a rigid structure.
Denying that you have needs.
Escaping life by immersing yourself in TV, gaming, social media, alcohol or other means of escape.
Floating along, refusing to take responsibility for your life, your actions, or–even more telling—your inaction.
Expecting others to meet your needs. Relying on other people to make you happy. Assuming that anyone and everyone else’s job is to make you happy.
Assuming that your own happiness, comfort, and success is more important than someone else’s’, or that their happiness is more important than yours.

Replace these coping mechanisms. Living a life guided by God is living a life increasingly free of the faulty habits we have so carefully cultivated. In Psalm 139 David prays:

Search me Oh God, and know my heart. Try me and know my anxious thoughts. And see if there be any hurtful way in me, and lead me in the everlasting way. Psalm 139: 23-24

Here are a few of God’s ways that can replace our coping mechanisms:

Giving. Keep what you will use, and give the rest away.
Letting go. Learning to rely on God to meet your needs and not yourself. The secret of being content in every situation, whether you have much or little.
Accepting your needs, and the importance that they are met.
Facing life, including its hard parts, knowing that you are not alone: God is with you and within you.
Owning your life. Quit playing the victim and accept responsibility, and that your decisions, as well as your indecisions, have consequences.
Releasing expectations. Hope in God, not people. God is the meeter of your needs, not other people. Sometimes He uses people, sometimes He doesn’t. But He often meets your needs in ways you don’t expect.
Recognizing that you are important, and everyone else is, too. Life isn’t a competition, it’s a collaboration.

Our needs are 100% met by Christ. Because of Him, we don’t have to hide, or hang on to anything or any person.

There is enough. There is more than enough. Our cup overflows.

And my God shall supply all of your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus. Phil 4:19

Once we accept the truth of God’s provision, we can take our eyes off ourselves and give as God would have us give–live as God would have us live.

Share with us: What are you doing to overcome your unhealthy coping mechanisms? How are you making room to let God in?

Oil of Joy

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by Lydia Floren

From Streams in the Desert, by L.B. Cowman:

“There is an old story of an elderly man who always carried a little can of oil with him everywhere he went. When he would go through a door that squeaked, he would squirt oil on the hinges. If he encountered a gate that was hard to open, he would oil the latch. And so he went through life, lubricating all the difficult places, making it easier for all those who came after him. People called the man eccentric, strange, and crazy, but he was steady on, often refilling his can of oil when it was nearly empty, and oiling all the difficult places he found.

“In this world, there are many lives that painfully creak and grate as they go about their daily work. Often it seems that nothing goes right with them and that they need lubricating with ‘the oil of joy’ (Psalm 45:7), gentleness, or thoughtfulness.

“Do you carry your own can of oil with you? … A pleasant word is a bright ray of sunshine on a saddened heart. Therefore give others the sunshine and tell Jesus the rest.”.

Joy

Every day we have opportunities to lighten another’s load by sharing a word of encouragement, a laugh, or a simple act of kindness. Ask God to help you be aware of opportunities to bless someone today. Be on the lookout for ways to soothe someone’s heart with a little “oil of joy.”

Whether you happen to be on the giving or receiving end of such a blessing, we would love to hear from you! Please share with us!

It’s Not About You, Or Is It?

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by Lydia Floren

It’s Not About You. Or Is It?

It’s not about you. I have never understood that statement. Think about it. You are the only one living your life. You make your own choices. You experience life with your unique thought processes and personality. In reality, your life is–well–yours.

But it’s not JUST about you.

So what do people mean when they say “it’s not about you”? I think they really mean that your life is not just about you. It is about more than you. Here’s what I mean: You are not the only person in the universe. For example–and this is the most important by far, this universe is inhabited by God, your maker. In fact, you–your life– is a creative expression of God. You are His masterpiece. In addition, there are other people like you inhabiting this world, people with life, wants, and needs just like you. And, for good or ill, your choices impact your connection with your creator, and influence other people in your little corner of the world.

Here’s the problem: if you have not learned to accept and appreciate yourself, YOU are all you can think about. You focus on trying to get your needs met. Conversely, when you are at peace with yourself, you have the capacity to focus outward instead of inward, blessing others instead of expecting from them.

Everyone is needy–everyone has needs. In order to move beyond yourself, you have to

1. Face your needs and then 2. Choose to look first to God—not other people—to meet those needs.

Our Needs:

We all recognize our needs for food, clothing, and shelter, but we often ignore important needs that go beyond the physical. Only when we acknowledge these needs, and they are truly met, can we move past ourselves. For example, we all need

Identity–a sense of who we are as a person, an understanding and appreciation of ourselves as a unique individual
Value–a belief–and solid reason for the belief–that we are valuable
Belonging–a place in the world where we feel safe, and at home–where everyone knows our name.
Calling/direction–a sense of purpose, and genuine hope that we can fulfill that purpose.
Safety–the deep knowing that you are protected: that nothing and no one can destroy you.

We try hard, mostly in subconscious ways, to meet these very essential needs, but come up empty most of the time–and for good reason: it is impossible. There is no way that we–or any other person on the planet–can meet these needs. That doesn’t keep us from trying. Many promising relationships wither under the heat of our unrealistic expectations: that someone else can, and should, meet our most basic needs.

God is the only person that can satisfy our hunger for identity, value, belonging, calling, and safety. Quite frankly, God not only CAN fill this void in our lives, He has already given us the means to do so. But He always gives us the choice of whether or not to accept His provision. How do we recognize God’s provision, and accept it? A good place to start is to invite Him into your life, and cultivate the habit of giving thanks in all things.

Give thanks to God for:

Your identity: the combination of personality, temperament, history, giftedness, passions, and connections that makes you totally unique in the world.
Your value: as His precious child, someone He paid a very high price to adopt into His family. You are cherished and loved by the most amazing being in the universe. The Person that knows you best loves you most.
Your belonging: as a member His family, And your belonging in this moment in time, and in this place in the universe: You are not here by accident. You belong where you are.
Your calling/direction: to love God, yourself and others in your own unique way as you live your life.
Your safety: nothing/no one can touch or change your identity, value, belonging and calling IN ANY WAY. These are safe, and protected by God. As God’s child, your existence is safe for eternity.

Be thankful for you, the person you are and are becoming.

Be thankful for God, who fills your deepest needs abundantly, beyond all that you can ask or imagine.

And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:19