Category Archives: Belonging

Polishing the Mirror, by Lydia Floren

Have you ever been chugging along on your road of life, and suddenly find yourself flat on your back? I certainly have. One minute I can be tooling along, life seems to be going well, and the next, I am in an emotional tailspin. My self-confidence (and God-confidence) plummets. I then land in a pit of yuck. My wheels spin. My windshield is splashed with mud. All I see, all I feel is the negative – failure, hurt, loneliness, regret. What happened? I don’t usually know right away.

It is funny what brings it on, this pain, this darkening of the glass. It can be pretty random. Once, it was when I discovered I wasn’t invited to a wedding. (I know, right?) The funny thing is, I didn’t even want to go. But some friends were going, talking about it, making plans. And we were not included.

In a flash, my emotions were highjacked. My heart lurched off the road of contentment into a pit of despair. We have been excluded from other events, I remember. And then the scab from earlier wounds is ripped off … sitting by myself in the lunchroom…. alone waiting for the bus…. the only one in science class without a lab partner. My heart again feels that raw pain, rejection, loneliness. And then, Satan hisses these words, in a voice remarkably like my own “I don’t belong anywhere. I am not wanted. Or known. Or loved.”

Later that day, we went to church, but being in a big group where I knew almost no one, just reinforced that sense of detachment, of not belonging. I didn’t even know what was wrong. I just knew I couldn’t stay. So I left. And the rest of the evening, I withdrew into my woundedness, feeding it with chocolate and chips and Facebook and meaningless television.

Polishing

The next morning, as I was praying, I was reminded: Yes, now I see through a mirror dimly…but I can see something – a good bit, actually.

And I begin polishing the mirror.

Thanks

I start with giving thanks.

Not for this dark pain, deep within, that surfaces from time to time. But, thanking God that it surfaces, so that He can shine the light of His truth on it, and heal it a little more, or even altogether.

Truth

I recite the truth I know:

About myself: I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Cherished. Unique and precious. A chosen and adopted child of the God of the Universe. I belong to Him. And He lives in me. I am never alone. Always beloved.
About God: He is 100% good. Strong. He knows me better than I know myself, and loves me more than I can imagine. And His love never, ever fails. He knows my needs before I ask Him, and meets my needs for identity, value, belonging, focus, and safety. I have nothing to fear.
About the journey, and the plans He and I have prayerfully made. And what I have learned so far.

Meditation

I meditate on some favorite verses.

This is the day that the Lord has made. Let’s celebrate! Psalm 118:24
Be still and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10
The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. Psalm 23:1-3
And yet, I am always with you. you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel. And afterward, You will take me into glory. Psalm 73:23-24

On the Road Again

Before long, God “pulls me out of the miry pit, and places my feet upon a rock.”

I pause for a little while, letting my emotions settle, reorienting to the path I am committed to travel. I take a deep breath, turning my face again to the future. And then I grab His hand, and take a step. And another one.

And I am on my way again.

Now, a little more whole. Now, seeing a little clearer, or a lot.

Treasure

by Lydia Floren

Birthdays were (and still are) a big deal in the Floren home. When my kids were younger, I would plan special celebrations for them, and sometimes (ok, more than sometimes) I would go a little over the top. When each of our sons turned six, we had a treasure hunt. A dozen or so first graders each made a pirate’s hat, and were given a treasure map and a paper bag. Then, they hunted all over the yard for clues, filling up their bag with prizes as they went. Finally, they were led to the back yard, where a big X marked the spot in the dirt. (Not too original, but effective, especially for a 6 year old.) It was wonderful to watch them attack that dirt, and then after unearthing their very own treasure box, to carefully lift it out of the earth. It was fun to see their eyes light up when they pryed open the lid and discovered the gold coins inside. (Gold coins filled with chocolate, but hey, they were gold.)

Every person on earth—every soul—is a treasure to God. We are His beloved, worth sacrificing His son for. God loves us each with a tenderness, a gentleness, that can take our breath away. He eagerly attacks the mountain of guilt and shame Satan heaps on us, and replaces these lies with His truth: we are free from condemnation. We are whole. We are beloved. And after He gently brushes away the dirt, He delights in showing us—and the world– the bright beauty he has placed within us. The fruitful and fruit-filled life that comes from being loved.

God’s love is life changing. And soul-sustaining.

Dreading Easter

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by Lydia Floren

When I was little kid, I had very mixed emotions about Easter. I loved the part where I got to decorate eggs, eat chocolate, and dress up in a pretty new outfit. But, I dreaded going to church on Easter. They said the Easter story was good news, but it didn’t seem good to me. It was the story of how mean people made fun of Jesus, and beat Him up, and then killed Him, and that somehow, it was all my fault. What was good about that?

But I know something now that I didn’t know then: I didn’t kill Jesus.

Jesus made the decision to die entirely on His own. In fact, He could have changed His mind anywhere along the way. For example, I can easily imagine this scenario happening in the middle of Jesus’ torture:

Jesus lifts his chin and focuses straight ahead. Suddenly everything stops, suspended mid-motion. The roar of the crowd turns to silence. The razorlike whip, a mere 2 inches from His torn flesh, dangles in midair like strands of Spanish moss. He rips off His cruel crown and tosses it aside. In three long strides, He reaches the men stooped over his robe. He grabs the garment from frozen hands, donning it as He walks away, slicing through the stilled crowd like a hot knife through butter.

This could have happened. Jesus had plenty of power to do this and more. But He didn’t. Every single moment of His life, and every second leading up to His death, He made the same decision over and over again. To stay. To endure. I can almost see Him gazing at each person in that vicious crowd, and as their eyes met, His murmuring, “You are worth it.” He is still saying it to each of us. “I love you. You were worth it then, and you are worth it now. I have called you by name. You are mine.”

This Easter season, stop at the cross for a while, not to pile on guilt, but so you can be rid it. Let God banish those lies swirling around in your head: “You are worthless.” “You are a screw-up.” “You don’t deserve to be loved.” Ditch the lie I believed as a child, “I killed Jesus.” Stay at the cross for a while and absorb the truth: “Jesus chose to die because He loved me, and wanted me with Him forever. That’s how important I am to Him.” “I am totally worth it. He said so with His words, and by His actions.”

Shed the lies. Accept the truth. And then move on. Live your life in the freedom that Christ paid so dearly for. Freedom from condemnation and shame. Freedom in the knowledge that you are loved, valued, wanted, and worth dying for.

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Romans 8:1

It is for freedom that Christ has set you free. Gal 5:1

There is no dread in Easter. Only joy.

His joy is us.

Fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Hebrews 12:2 NASB

Our joy is Him.

I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. John 15:11

Are You My Answer?

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by Lydia Floren

Are You My Mother? is a classic children’s story about a little bird who broke out of his shell and found himself alone in his nest. Somehow, he knew he had a mother and that he needed her, even though she wasn’t there. So, he hopped down from his perch and started looking for her. Each time he spied a potential candidate (animal or object), he would ask, “Are you my mother?” And each time, he got the same response, “No, I am not your mother.”

The baby bird continued searching until he finally encountered his mom. Curiously, he didn’t ask her, “Are you my mother?”, because when he saw her, he immediately recognized her.

“I know who you are,” said the baby bird.

“You are not a kitten or a hen or a dog. You are not a cow or a Snort”

“You are a bird, and you are my mother!”

We can often wander around in our lives in search of someone or something, to take care of our deepest needs.

We don’t use words, but like that little bird, we do ask the same question over and over again, “Are you my answer?”, or in other words, “Will you be the person or thing that will fill that big hole in my heart?”

For example, we can do this when we rely on attention or accomplishments to bolster our self-esteem. Or when we focus more on what we can get out of a relationship than what we can give. “Are you my answer?”, we query. “Will you give me the sense of significance, the feeling of belonging I so crave?”

But no person, or thing, is able to satisfy our deep hunger for unconditional love. Only God-Who-Is-Love can do this.

“Are you my answer?”

When we ask God, His response is always the same:

“Yes, dear Child, I am your answer. Come. Lay down your burden of shame and self-contempt. Stop trying to fix yourself. Rest in this truth: you are completely known and fully loved by Me. God. You are so precious to me that I chose to die for you. Nothing you do – past present or future – will ever change my love for you.”

When we truly encounter God’s love, when we allow it to seep into the core of our being, we don’t need to ask. We know. He, the God-Who-Is-Love, is our answer – is The Answer – to our deepest need.

And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge – that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Ephesians 3:17-19

Hanging Out

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Hanging Out

by Daniel Floren

Dad took me to Chicago for Spring Break. It was an incredible trip full of hilarious improv, great food, and cool culture spots.

One day, I really wanted to go to a particular pizza place and check it out. I took it upon myself to figure out all of the transportation details, feeling quite accomplished as the ’son’ directing/leading ‘dad’. We got to the address, and saw nothing but high rise buildings. It was the Corporate Headquarters for this pizza spot – no where close to the actual restaurant. I was soooo mad. I spent the next hour trying to walk off my frustration. “I totally screwed it up,” I thought to myself.

The next day, after the Shed Aquarium, we had about a 4-5 hour gap with nothing to do. I turned to Dad as we looked out at Lake Michigan, and I asked him with some urgency, “Dad, what do you want to do? I don’t know what comes next, I’m out of plans, I didn’t plan well enough. I’m sorry, but we have some free time. How can we redeem it to make the trip worth the money? What do you want to do?” He looked at me and just kind of half-smiled in amazement, shaking his head. He took a second. “Daniel. This. This is all I want. Just spending time with you.”

In that moment, a number of curious things clicked into place. I looked at Dad’s shirt. It was the TKA Elementary School shirt from when he was my soccer coach. Yesterday he wore my high school football shirt, and the day before that a TCU polo. The point was always to spend time with his son. All of the gifts and adventures of Chicago were just a nice backdrop for hang-out time.

I have always come to God asking, “What do you want to do?” With my life, my marriage, my job, my friends, my day, the groceries, this very second…

Strangely enough, I think the answer has always been, “We’re doing it!” Christ wants to hang out and commune with me and love me! By the very nature of turning to God and asking, “What do you want to do?” we’re there! We are now talking and hanging out! Before I take another step toward anything, I’ve got to first realize that that is the most beautiful thing. We’re just there already. His Grace met us there and his love keeps us there. All of our purposes and plans must be in context of just hanging out with the Lord. Then, without any pressure, we can go grab pizza.

Belonging

by Lydia Floren

A few years ago–well, maybe more than a few–“Cheers” was a popular TV show, and launched some major acting careers. (Woody Harrelson, Ted Danson, Kirsti Allen). The show revolved around a group of people who became friends by hanging out at a bar together.

The theme song of Cheers goes like this:

“Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name, And they’re always glad you came; You want to be where you can see, Our troubles are all the same; You want to be where everybody knows your name.”

Don’t we all want a place where “everybody knows our name, and they’re always glad you came?” Sure we do. We want to feel welcome, a part of things. We want to have that intimate group that knows and loves us, and is always glad to see us.

A sense of belonging is not just something we want–it’s something we need. God made us relational creatures: we are all hardwired with the drive to belong.

But there are times in life when we don’t feel like we belong. We may have just moved to a new town, and haven’t yet made friends. We may feel a little wobbly in a new job, or are finding our way in a new community. We may be isolated by illness, or language, or culture. We may feel “unsafe” or misunderstood.

But no matter how we feel, we can be certain of this: if God has put us somewhere, that is where we belong. And whatever situation we face, God will provide for all of our needs, including our need to feel a part of things.

Sure, there are times when no human arms welcome us, no voices call out our name in joyful greeting. But God provides in His own unique way. He sends a beautiful sunrise, or a birdsong, a dog’s wagging tail. He refreshes us with a warm breeze, a new insight, a fond memory. He encourages us with a message from an old friend or an invitation from someone new. And most of all, He welcomes us with His tender spirit, constantly calling out our name in love.

Because we know we belong to Him, and belong where He has placed us, we can step into each day confident that our loving Father is with us – within us – providing for our needs before we even ask Him.

And we can be certain that, when it comes time to step into our forever home, the one He is preparing for us right now, a crowd of folks will be waiting for us.

And everyone – everyone – will know our name.

I have called you by name; you are Mine! Isaiah 43:1

Your Father knows what you need before you ask Him. Matt. 6:8

What unique ways has God met your need for belonging?

Overcoming Fear

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by Lydia Floren

I have discovered that I can carry a lot of fear around with me. I have a fear of failure, fear of being rejected or disrespected. I am afraid of loneliness. Sometimes I am afraid that I don’t have what it takes to make and keep heartwarming, life renewing relationships. I am afraid that I am “not enough” (whatever that means), and I am afraid that I can’t fake it well enough to keep others from finding out. My fears can alter my reality, and change the way I respond to people and situations. Here’s how:

I beg
And I can act on my fears, by trying to be good enough. I try to

please people
grab attention
compete
do the best I can to be lovable

I beg for the love and acceptance I need so desperately. I am like a little kid whining for a treat.
But the few crumbs I get from others don’t satisfy my gnawing hunger.

I steal.
When my fears overwhelm me I start believing the worst: no one could ever really love me. And desperation sets in. My response?

Escape: I immerse myself in a project, or eat lots of chocolate, or withdraw into a book.
Retaliate. I get-angry-and-get-even by manipulating, or just snapping someone’s head off.
Complain. I steal other people’s joy by criticizing or complaining.

I steal peace and joy where I think I can find it.
But the glitter is not gold.

I hide.
When I am afraid, I tend to focus on myself: I try to

Protect myself so I can’t be rejected or hurt in the future.
Insulate myself with popularity or position or competence.
I keep others at arm’s length so they cannot know my weaknesses and hurt me with that knowledge.

But my hiding place is not safe, or secret.

There is a better way.

Overcoming Fear
There is a better way to be validated, and free from fear. It requires that I do something counterintuitive. I have to choose to quit looking at myself, and instead choose to look up.

When I take my eyes off my situation and start focusing on God, it changes everything. God is the most scary-smart [He makes MENSA look like preschool], wealthy, important, powerful person in the universe. And He loves ME. He cherishes ME. He considered me highly valuable, worth paying the price of His son’s life. He has adopted ME into His royal family. His secret service protects me 24-7.

There is nothing to fear.

My identity, value, belonging, and calling are secure. Nothing and no one can change these – not even me. Nothing anyone else does or says can alter this inner person that I am in any way. I am a precious, unique individual. I am loved. I belong in God’s family. I have a calling: to encourage and love others in my own unique way.

When I am not afraid, the world looks totally different, and I respond differently.

I quit begging for others to validate me with their attention, respect, admiration. I come out of hiding, because I am 100% safe. I stop trying to grab a cheap imitation for joy wherever I can find it, because I have already received the real joy of being completely known and loved.

I start serving. I just want to help others to see their unique precious identity, value, belonging and calling. I want them to know the safety of living life under the protection of the God of the Universe, who loves them much more than I ever could. I am aware of God with me, and want nothing more than for Him to lead me, and empower me to love those that cross my path.

Once I am deeply and completely satisfied in the waters of God’s love, I can really live. My cup overflows.

Let the joy begin!

Surely goodness and loving kindness shall follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. Psalm 23:6

Newlyweds

God is Good Company ( God’s Company Part 1)

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by Lydia Floren

One of the greatest things God has given me is the gift of His company.

Now, don’t get me wrong. When I say “company”, I don’t mean God’s business, World Incorporated, LLC. OK, yes, I might –might– have some control issues, but even I am not foolish enough to think that God would put me in charge of His whole international operation.

When I say “the gift of God’s company”, I’m talking about His presence. God, because of Christ’s sacrifice, gives everyone personal access to Him: the privilege of spending time in His company. And, His spirit actually lives within every person that chooses to become His child.

God’s spirit is actually with me, but also within me. Amazing.

God loves each of us without any conditions at all. Nothing will ever change that reality.

When I spend time with God, I feel like I am in the presence of a dear friend, or a loving parent. He knows my good parts and my ugly ones, and loves me right where I am. I don’t have to prove anything to Him, or to anyone. I am 100% safe.

When I am around someone who loves me and enjoys my company, I relax. I don’t feel the need to prove myself, or to protect myself from their judgment. I can be silly. Creative. Quiet. Contemplative. I tend to laugh more. And to worry less. It lifts my spirits, and it encourages me.

In God’s company, I can be utterly and completely myself.

It’s Not About You, Or Is It?

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by Lydia Floren

It’s Not About You. Or Is It?

It’s not about you. I have never understood that statement. Think about it. You are the only one living your life. You make your own choices. You experience life with your unique thought processes and personality. In reality, your life is–well–yours.

But it’s not JUST about you.

So what do people mean when they say “it’s not about you”? I think they really mean that your life is not just about you. It is about more than you. Here’s what I mean: You are not the only person in the universe. For example–and this is the most important by far, this universe is inhabited by God, your maker. In fact, you–your life– is a creative expression of God. You are His masterpiece. In addition, there are other people like you inhabiting this world, people with life, wants, and needs just like you. And, for good or ill, your choices impact your connection with your creator, and influence other people in your little corner of the world.

Here’s the problem: if you have not learned to accept and appreciate yourself, YOU are all you can think about. You focus on trying to get your needs met. Conversely, when you are at peace with yourself, you have the capacity to focus outward instead of inward, blessing others instead of expecting from them.

Everyone is needy–everyone has needs. In order to move beyond yourself, you have to

1. Face your needs and then 2. Choose to look first to God—not other people—to meet those needs.

Our Needs:

We all recognize our needs for food, clothing, and shelter, but we often ignore important needs that go beyond the physical. Only when we acknowledge these needs, and they are truly met, can we move past ourselves. For example, we all need

Identity–a sense of who we are as a person, an understanding and appreciation of ourselves as a unique individual
Value–a belief–and solid reason for the belief–that we are valuable
Belonging–a place in the world where we feel safe, and at home–where everyone knows our name.
Calling/direction–a sense of purpose, and genuine hope that we can fulfill that purpose.
Safety–the deep knowing that you are protected: that nothing and no one can destroy you.

We try hard, mostly in subconscious ways, to meet these very essential needs, but come up empty most of the time–and for good reason: it is impossible. There is no way that we–or any other person on the planet–can meet these needs. That doesn’t keep us from trying. Many promising relationships wither under the heat of our unrealistic expectations: that someone else can, and should, meet our most basic needs.

God is the only person that can satisfy our hunger for identity, value, belonging, calling, and safety. Quite frankly, God not only CAN fill this void in our lives, He has already given us the means to do so. But He always gives us the choice of whether or not to accept His provision. How do we recognize God’s provision, and accept it? A good place to start is to invite Him into your life, and cultivate the habit of giving thanks in all things.

Give thanks to God for:

Your identity: the combination of personality, temperament, history, giftedness, passions, and connections that makes you totally unique in the world.
Your value: as His precious child, someone He paid a very high price to adopt into His family. You are cherished and loved by the most amazing being in the universe. The Person that knows you best loves you most.
Your belonging: as a member His family, And your belonging in this moment in time, and in this place in the universe: You are not here by accident. You belong where you are.
Your calling/direction: to love God, yourself and others in your own unique way as you live your life.
Your safety: nothing/no one can touch or change your identity, value, belonging and calling IN ANY WAY. These are safe, and protected by God. As God’s child, your existence is safe for eternity.

Be thankful for you, the person you are and are becoming.

Be thankful for God, who fills your deepest needs abundantly, beyond all that you can ask or imagine.

And my God will supply all your needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:19